Wednesday, March 30, 2005

 
(in reference to...)

i have often said, and still say, that i have no regrets. but it’s not b.c i think i haven’t made any mistakes or that i’m perfect. it’s b.c i don’t regret making the mistakes i've made. and trust me, i’ve made plenty of mistakes, but if i hadn’t of made them then i wouldn’t have learned all the lessons that i have. i think i’m pretty wise and knowledgable, but only b.c i’ve done a lot, messed up a lot, and had to correct a lot. i could say that i regret moving back home since it didn’t work out with evil boy, but i don’t. i believe that i made the best choice for me at the time and that there is a reason i came home. there’s lots of things that i could ‘regret’, but why? regret is a negative thing. and i don’t want it to eat me like i've seen it eat away at others. point is—i’m not perfect, it’s just a state of mind. a belief that there is no point in regretting. we do things for a reason and if they don’t work out…well, we go on.
posted by the 'naut 4:11 PM

Saturday, March 26, 2005

 
(saturday woes and celebrations)

i had a fight with a friend today. a pretty big one with a supposedly good friend. i hate fighting. a lot. especially with people i love and care about. but i guess sometimes, it just can't be helped. see, a couple of months back i decided that i was going to let my emotions and warm fuzzy feelings about said friend take over. so i could see what would happen, where things would go. ah, what the hell. my friend did not stop me, did not say that it was too soon or that that wasn't what he wanted. but he didn't say that that was what he wanted either. guys, go figure. so we went out, messed around, did what daters do. but sometime after valentine's day i made another decision...that i couldn't do the hot/cold thing. i didn't want to be the 'convenience' girlfriend. which i think is fair. so i made him choose a path. friends or more than friends. it was a very hard thing for me to do, but i could no longer sit around and hope that he would choose me... eventually. and when he chose to only be cold, to just be friends, i was hurt, disappointed, but in the end, glad that a decision was made.

then, as the weeks went on, he made no contact. no phone calls, no emails, no hanging out. in fact, it almost seemed as if he was avoiding me. i tried to initiate conversations, but i was cut off with short, quick answers and excuses of being too busy or tired. i had given up. he didn't want to be my friend. he had only chosen that path b/c there was no other option. i was letting go, moving on. occasionally my friends would tell me of something bad or untrue that he had said--but i would let it go b/c there was no point in getting back into it all. until this morning. i checked my messages, 2:40am, he must have been drinking. he accused me of being angry with him b/c he wouldn't sleep with me. he told me that his friend, in from out of town, wanted to know if i would sleep with him. he told me to call him back and he'd give me out-of-towner's number. i was furious.

the fight was over the phone. about 20 minutes. what was said is pretty much pointless. he thinks he was right, i think he was wrong. i don't know what to believe. i don't think i can trust him anymore. i might never speak to him again. maybe after tax season when he 'has the time' to deal with our issues. i wanted to say "screw you buddy, don't waste your precious time", but i didn't. instead i made a snide remark and hung up without saying goodbye.

my other friend has been up since 7am getting primped for a wedding. i've called her three times to rant and rave. she was probably looking at the other bridesmaids with a face of exasperation. it's gray outside. it's been raining since last night. what an awful day for a wedding. and a perfect day for a fight.

ps. happy birthday ash.
posted by the 'naut 5:33 PM

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

 
(fo-ever)

well, it’s been awhile, and i have to apologize for my lack of writing. but i’m not really going to apologize b/c i’ve been busy. and i haven’t had much to write about. though i know that’s the whole point of a blog. writing about nothing. anyway, to catch you up:

- i moved to dallas. home. it’s nice.
- i got a new job. another hotel. s’okay.
- i got a newish car. an acura. she’s pretty.
- i eat way too little sushi. it sucks.
- most of my friends are from highschool. they’re all married.

that’s pretty much it. nothing too special. i’ve been trying to plan a trip to costa rica to visit my brother, but it looks like he’s going home soon, so there’s not that.

i’ll try to write more. swear.
posted by the 'naut 9:45 AM